Yes, I've finally submitted to the will of my pilling bills.
A girl in fabricana recomended I try creating artwork for prints online, She really did prove a good point. Why do I keep waiting for conventions to come around to sell ym work?
>_>' I'll be honest.. I don't know why..
Maybe I thought I wasn't good enough yet for such a heavy commitment. But mom poked my ars alot and said I should stop being sucha coward and get out there!

So I decided to give it a try and start offering prints on the deviantart store.


I'm also going to try to see how I can start commission work for actual pay through via Paypal acount this way.
This would deffinatly come in hanndy, especially now that I officially have my own paypal acount now^^
*yay for trying new things!*

I'm not sure how this print system works for cutsom art made to order...
hmmmm
any ideas?


Currently I'm using my mom pc. God Bless her T.T

Well this month has been the most taxing. Mostly for the fact of the frustrating dance we had to do with the internet company. I'd be surprized if we actually had 5 days worth of working internet time, spred out over this entire month!
After constant calls, my dads finally fed up- and is willing to change companies.
Of course- THATS when the company finally stops rounding us about, apologizes for sucking all those other times- and actually TRIES to solve the problem!
So needless to say- this friday our new modem should be arriving!
No more loading pages over 30 minutes!
No more white screens of no connection feed.
No more " No signal strength" bars.
And no more teasing me with the FIRST page of websites like Deviantart- or Gaia...and not letting me accesses my messages or e-mails!
..or sure, you'll work for 5 minutes and let me upload something. but let me see the millions of messages that have piled up- oh heck no! that be too nice!!!
><'''
*grummbles*
Anyways...*sigh*
long story short, the nightmare will be ending soon.

So I apologize for late replies, missing your notes ect ect ect...

f*** I just hope this journal entry make it!

COMMON YOU BAS***D- LOOOOAAAAAAAD!!!!!!

My brother had said, in spite of our financial troubles, and the fact we were not able to celebrate my B-day as ... dramatically as we hoped,He said; " I prayed something special would happen for your birthday sis."

And sure enough, to his request, it seemed the universe itself decided line up yesterday for me, just in time for my little chocolate pie I was given with the extra change mom and dad managed to scrape together.


My B-day comes at the worst time of the year financially.
Since both are teachers, their main income is during the school season, so we live off of what's saved for the summer. By the time my special day rolls around, funds are running low.

And to top it all off, aside fomr being fired, and in the middle of a ressession, mom's also going to montreal this year,( paid by friend of course) to her friends bridesmaid during her wedding.
Which is only 4 days after!

So what little "'fun' money" we have left, is put into her trip instead.

You'd think after so many years of this rinse- and repeat ritual,( the usual lecture about " sorry hunny- we'd like to do something, but now isn't the best time", Which I repteatively tell them- I don't need to hear once again, cause I understand the situtation by now), I'd be used to it.

Now don't get me wrong.. I understand lots of people hardly get to celebrate their B-days. Some choose not to at all. I know even with nothing i'm still better off then most, and I should be blahblahblahblah-children in 3rd world countries- blabblah...

But the truth is, I like my Birthday- I'm happy to have suceeded in livin yet another year. No one likes ot get old, and neither do I, but I cherish the fact I've survived for so long.

And as such a person, of course I wish I could do something 'special' for it. Have friends around, laughing and enjoying eachothers company. But as you grow older, you're life becomes complicated, more responsable to the powers that be around you.

The magical veil is lifted and you're introduced to bills, and the conflicting squeduals of your peers.
So needless to say...
I had 1 friend over, we played a video game, drank some tea, and I got a little peice of cake.
.....

Now... you'd think I just might be down in the dumps about that, and normally, maybe I would.. but this year, I got to kick off my next year of life with the best kinda omen I think the universe has to offer.

A METEOR SHOWER!

Announced on the internet that day, I grabbed 3 blankets and set off for the park with my mom, lil brother and the friend who came over. The 3 of us (mom went home sooner-cause she said she was cold) laid down and watched for hours. I couldn't describ how mystified I was. Apparently it was to last 2 days...
in fact, in a few minutes, I'll be off to watch the rest!^^
But boy, I can't think of a cooler thing to happen. Better Fireworks then anythign this world has to offer. So bring on that b-day cupcake! And who needs presents...

..when the universe itself wishes you a Happy Birthday!

After finishing one of the commisions I owe from the convention- I spent half the day sunning myself with my mom. And being a dweller of the dark paper swap( my room/studio) being reintroduced to sunlight is funny to witness.
After I stopped hissing, I started painting on my new canvas, which was cool. ^w^
I found discounted canvas at the dollar store! How sweet is that?!
anyways... Withint 2 hours (and yes I re-applied my sunlotion) I changed from ym pasty faced pale- to a brown my native heritage would be proud of...
kinda freaky how fast that happen. O.o

Please let it be known before anyone comments on this- that it is very personal, but the truth. So please don't leave any insulting comments about how ashamed I should be, or I don't know what I'm talking about-cause I do, or I should be punished for feeling this way, because it's already been expressed. I cannot change how I feel, though I wish I could. I can only tell the truth. It's something I needed to get fof my chest and into words in order to deal with it. And hope it does something.
And yes I understand there are a lot of spelling and grammar errors. I'm not in the mood to check and correct them.

---------------------------------------
Forgiveing...
not as easy as it sounds. And sometimes..it's too late. And in itself.. is the worst feeling of all.





It's funny how long it took to really think about this- but it's been naggin me for some time now.

The death of someone I knew years ago. Arno C. Ekkert. which has already transpired, months back. I guess it takes that long to have words like these get strong enough to bubble up inside, till I can no longer hold them in.


Arno and I were in the same class in highschool.
He...
well.. it's odd.
It's hard to find words to describ him that wouldn't anger those who moarn his passing.
I find it's a shame he died so early in life. It's not fair-

Arno, for me.. was just another person on the other side of that line drawn in the sand by the kids in class. He- was with everyone else. And I was on the other side, as was deemed by their social decition.
He did everything right in his peers eyes- and had many friends, superficial or not. He always seemed to be having fun. And enjoyed giving the teachers a hard time.
Typical teenager I guess.
I couldn't say much.

Though he never took directional part in my constant teasing and abuse by the students- he never did anything to stop it either. I'd usually see him sitting by the side lines- watching, like it was some popular show on tv.
I don't remember any of the positive things people said he'd done.

Arno C. Ekkert was popular, he was indeed loved I'll say that. Again, he did everything right in the eyes of everyone who watched him; But I got to see, the other side. When all eyes were turned in other directions.

He never stuck out for the little guy, he involved himself in as many things that got him the attention he needed. Arno never acted very christianly when the consiciences for doing whats trully right outweighted what he'd recieve. The extra coriculor work he'd do, was only positive and cheritable when people were watching.
And you were only his 'friend' and worthy to speak to- if people approved. If you said hello to him in the hallway, and were at that time- someone of the 'lower class', he'd simply ignore your existence. And he wasn't above picking fun of your disabilities.

Yes- I remember Arno very well.
But I wish I hadn't- at least not in this way.
Especially now.

I want to go into my memories with a fine comb, and find the good things I've hear others seen him do. But I can't. I truly want to look upon his memorial pictures and feel like I've lost someone I'm going to miss.

Cause all life in precious.
And even if I never considered him a friend,then, or now..and from here on...
He didn't deserve to die.
Who am I judge? And I'm not listing these things to justify his death either. Anyone can be an ass in their younger years, and change just like that in an instant.
From the moment we graduated, I've not seen him since. So I can never know.

I ask myself..
if anyone had invited me to his service. What would I say if they asked me to speak for him?
If they gave me 5 minutes, where I was supposed to say something in tribute to his memory. What could I possibaly offer?
Adn then it hit me. His humanity.

Arno C. Ekkert was like every typical teenanger. And he was very loved by those who saw what good he brought to this world. He was, like everyone is at that point- a child. One who grew into a young man though whatever challenges and trails that befell him.
And through these trails, on a small miniscule part of his life- I walked beside him. And got to see what part of Arno ..that was not so great.
He followed the crowd, he was not a person so stand for whats right in the face of loosing the love of superficial people. He was a manipulator at times, know exactly what to say- to start a fire of epic proportions of hate, and slander. Arno liked to put people down for fun with his friends. And laugh, or snicker..as I cried my many many tears.
He wasn't above discrimination of color, or sex, and physical capabilities, or social status.

..and I hated him.
I hated Arno... like the rest of those people who abused me in their various ways for those long terrible 6-7 years. He, along wiht many tohers- did things to me that have left very deep wounds that scared, and are taking a long time to heal.
But that was then. I hated the Arno he was then, as we walked together on that side road along with all the other children who walked with us.
And I know, looking back those at times, he probably saw things in me that were just as bad.
That doesn't make what happened between us right- no. It just makes it sad.
A waist.

And a shame- I'll never have the confirmation to know if he had been the same asshole I knew so long ago. Or had someone blossomed from that ugly persona, I witnessed, into someone who was everything he lacked in those days. Did he tack what he did with him- and change for the better?
I don't know, but I do know, everyone deserves to live. Even bullies.
No matter what sort of past they hold in anyone eyes.

....who knows...

if he had survived...
and 10, or 15.. or even 20 years down the road, our paths crossed again, for whatever reason.

Maybe we'd be different people to eachother. So different from the people we were then.
So different we'd not even reconize eachother.
Maybe we'd become friends.
And leave the past behind like ashes to be caught up in the wind.

But that will never happen now.
Arno C. Ekkert is dead...

..and I wish...

I wish I could miss him for all the right reasons.
He at least deserves that from me.